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Blaine’s 3 Steps To Overcome Approach Anxiety

approaching women dating for introverts Jan 29, 2022
Man with turtleneck sweater rolled over his face

Ever felt like you'd rather pull your sweater over your head than approach a woman?

This feeling is called "approach anxiety," and it's no fun!

More specifically, the term "approach anxiety" refers to any sensations of dread, doubt, or hesitancy that you experience while summoning the courage to say hi to a beautiful woman across the room πŸ˜°

Approach anxiety isn’t just a challenge for introverted guys.

No matter how extroverted they are, few men love talking to strangers, particularly in a dating context, where it requires sticking your neck out for judgment to be cast 😬

Tired of feeling approach anxiety in your dating life?

 Here are three steps to help you fight fear, and approach women with newfound confidence πŸ‘‡

 


 

BLAINE'S STEPS TO OVERCOME APPROACH ANXIETY #1:

Level Set

Man looking like he's relaxing by closing his eyes, breathing, and touching his temples

Let’s take a step back for a second to level-set. Unless you want to:

  • Spend the rest of your life single ❌

  • Limit your dating pool to whoever swipes right on you on Tinder or Hinge ❌

… you’ll have to approach women in-person.

  • Yes, you’ll have to do things that make you temporarily uncomfortable βš οΈ 

  • Yes, you’ll probably hear “no” a lot βš οΈ 

And that's OK!

The reality is that everything worthwhile in life (particularly attracting an awesome romantic partner!) requires stepping outside of your comfort zone.

In fact you’ll definitionally experience discomfort when you push yourself to do something new, like approaching women.

Why?

Discomfort is your body’s way of saying “I’m going beyond my current limits.”

Man at the gym, preparing to deadlift a heavy weight

Like weightlifting, to get stronger at approaching women, you have to endure a little discomfort πŸ’‘ 

This quote from famous investor Ray Dalio captures this concept perfectly:

“I saw that to do exceptionally well you have to push your limits and that, if you push your limits, you will crash and it will hurt a lot. You will think you have failed—but that won't be true unless you give up.”

For better or for worse, dating requires a lot of "crashing."

Why?

The reality is that you’re incompatible with >90% of women:

  • Depending on the age of the women you’re interested in, as many as 2/3 of the women you approach won’t even be single πŸ‘°‍♀️

  • Many more just won’t fit with your lifestyle, interests, and goals, and you won’t know this unless you approach 🧩

Many men mistakenly assume falsehoods like “if I were taller, or more handsome, more women would want to date to me…”

(This mindset reminds me of the "6-6-6" myth I wrote about in detail here!)

Guess what though?

No matter how tall, or how handsome, or how wealthy you are...

You're still going to get turned down a lot.

Once you’ve internalized the fact that >90% of the time you approach a woman it won’t go anywhere, no matter who you are, it’s a lot easier to approach women without the expectations that cause approach anxiety.

So, the next time you’re feeling anxious about approaching a woman...

Do four things:

  1. Take a few slow, deep breaths through your nose to calm down (breathing through your nose is literally scientifically proven to help you relax — check out this Healthline article of you don't believe me) πŸ‘ƒ

  2. Remember that approaching has to feel a little nerve-wracking because you're sticking your neck out, and pushing your limits πŸ“ˆ

  3. Forget fictitious expectations like "I'm not attractive enough," and remember that you’ll probably have to do this >100 times to find the right person for you πŸ˜›

  4. Go say hi and see where things go πŸ˜ƒ

 


 

BLAINE'S STEPS TO OVERCOME APPROACH ANXIETY #2:

Play To Your Strengths

 Photo of poker table, where cards are subtly displayed

The #1 complaint I hear from men, particularly smart introverted men, about approaching women in-person is...

“I hate small talk!”

This may be true, but...

Hating small talk is a crappy excuse for being alone!

No one loves making small talk, particularly with total strangers πŸ‘₯

The smart guys who land awesome, attractive partners hate small talk too. So they avoid it, and focus on meeting women in contexts where small talk isn’t required.

  • They avoid bars, clubs, and the busy street corners that pickup artists try to claim are viable places to meet women πŸ™„

  • They focus on environments that play to their strengths like small social gatherings πŸ˜ƒ

Believe it or not, most single women are open to meeting guys literally anywhere.

All that matters is being deliberate about spending time places you feel comfortable (or, as comfortable as possible) starting conversations.

Need help?

 


 

BLAINE'S STEPS TO OVERCOME APPROACH ANXIETY #3:

Stop Relying On Willpower

Man in nature climbing a massive cliff

The first two steps, (1) level-setting, and (2) playing to your strengths, can help you approach more women.

Still, my clients who are most successful attracting quality partners do a third thing that dramatically increases the number of women they meet, and therefore gives them the most (and highest quality) options…

  • ❌ They don’t rely on willpower to approach women because they know working up courage is hard.

  • β˜‘οΈ They create systems that require them to engage with women so that they get consistent practice and shots on goal, and ultimately land the best possible partner.

What does this mean?

Try creating rules for yourself that force you to interact with women. For example:

  • Pay a genuine compliment to one woman you don’t know every day πŸ˜ƒ
  • Chat with a new woman on your co-ed rec league kickball team every week βš½
  • Attend at least one church or volunteer meeting a week, and strike up a conversation with a new woman there β›ͺ

I’ve had a client who told me how he literally took an unnecessary midnight trip out for groceries because he’d committed to talking to a woman every day, and hadn’t had the chance earlier in the day.

It almost goes without saying that guy landed an awesome girlfriend fast!

 

 


 

Photo of Blaine in white outfit looking into camera
PS. Ready to uplevel your dating life fast?

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Xo Blaine

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