How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone, From A Coach

Last updated
February 3, 2024
minutes to read
How To Get Out Of The Friend Zone, From A Coach

Stuck in the friend zone, and want out?

I'm Blaine, I'm a dating coach for men, I've helped 2,000+ guys like you escape the friend zone, and I'm excited to get your butt out, too 🤝

Today we'll cover:

  1. Why you're stuck in the friend zone, so you can diagnose what's not working with your approach 🕵️‍♂️
  2. What to do once a woman has put you in the friend zone, so you can get out 🚀
  3. How to avoid the friend zone going forward, so you can attract women you're excited about ❤️

Let's dive in 🪂


1. Why You’re In The Friend Zone

Gif of a man in a Scout Uniform saying "I like to get myself in something I call The Friend Zone"

No good doctor would prescribe you medication without diagnosing your condition 🤒

Similarly, before I can get you out of the friend zone...

We need to diagnose why you’re in the friend zone!

Nominally there are hundreds of reasons a woman may place a man in the friend zone, for example:

  • "I just value our friendship so much..."
  • "You're such a good guy, but I don't think we're compatible..."
  • "I just don't think about you like that..."

These "reasons" all trace back to three root causes, however:

  1. 🎣 She doesn't think you're a catch. Let's be honest: dating is aspirational. If she doesn't think of you as a "catch" (meaning someone she'd be excited to introduce to family and friends as her boyfriend), she's putting you in the friend zone.
  2. 🥱 You lack romantic chemistry. Even if she thinks of you as a catch, if you never have flirty and playful interactions that make her wonder what it'd be like to be "more than friends" (or "more than colleagues"), she will also pop you into the friend zone.
  3. 🤢 You give her the ick. Ever crushed on on a girl, then suddenly lost interest because you noticed something really unattractive about her (e.g. nasty breath)? Women have "ick" moments like this, too, that cause them to lose interest (conscious or subconscious) in men.

(Btw here's an article on "the ick" if you haven't heard about it before!)

2. What To Do Once You’re In The Friend Zone

Gif of Cartman from South Park behind prison bars

You may be thinking:

"Blaine, it's nice to know WHY I'm in the friend zone, but I want to GET OUT of the friend zone... Can we talk about that please?"

We can absolutely talk about it!

But first, I want you to promise not to shoot the messenger 👼


Once a woman has put a male friend in the friend zone, it's hard to get out.

Tough dating truth: women and men both subconsciously place people they meet into boxes, like "has romantic potential" or "nope, that's a friend" 🗃️

This categorization isn't irreversible...

But it can take years of effort to escape the friend zone 🤕

(I don't make the rules — this is just a painful reality of dating!)

To get out of the friend zone once a woman has put you in it, you need to do three things:

  1. 👋 Let it go. You don't need to cut off contact with her if you're truly friends, but you 100% need to stop trying to impress her / attract her / make a move. This is because once she's put you in the friendzone, obvious attempts to sneak out of it reflect negatively on you (e.g. "he just doesn't it...") and strengthen her opinion that you belong there.
  2. 📈 Improve yourself. This means focusing on being the best version of YOU, and addressing the "causes" we discussed above: becoming more of a catch (e.g. upleveling professionally), learning to create romantic chemistry (e.g. learning to flirt), and eliminating icks (e.g. getting in shape, having great breath, etc).
  3. Be patient. No matter how strong your feelings are about a particular woman, and how much you uplevel yourself, ultimately she must make her own decision to remove you from the friend zone. And this can take time (or never happen, if she meets someone else...) even when you're doing everything right.

If and when the opportunity to escape the friend zone eventually presents itself (maybe you're hanging out as friends, and she pays you an unsolicited comment about how far you've come...)

Then you can discuss giving romance another shot  💑

In the meantime, I recommend learning where to meet women, so you can focus your efforts elsewhere!

3. How To Avoid The Friend Zone Going Forward

Gif of Steve Harvey with his hands raised in retreat, saying "I don't wanna get into that"

OK, ready to stay the heck out of the friend zone?

Here are two simple ways to stop getting friend zoned when you meet new women 👇

A. Be more selfish

I know asking you to be more selfish sounds crazy...

But this doesn’t mean I want you to be a jerk 😃

I just want you to take time every day to do something for yourself.

Ideally you use this time to improve yourself (e.g. work on a side hustle, or work out)...

Your selfish activity doesn’t have to be goal-oriented, though.

You could literally eat an ice cream sandwich while watching Netflix on your couch, if it's deliberate, and if it gives you guilt-free joy you're missing today 🍦


Gif of the rapper Amine hugging himself

They aren't attracted to guys who are always trying to make other people happy, at the expense of their own happiness...

Women are attracted to guys who prioritize themselves.

So prioritizing yourself (and politely putting your interests before others' interests) can actually help you get out of the friend zone, and avoid it going forward!

B. Practice demonstrating your romantic interest

Particularly early on, when a woman is subconsciously determining whether to put you in the "has romantic potential" box we discussed earlier versus  the friend zone...

It's important to make your romantic intent clear, for example:

Gif of two cats curled up together

👉 Initiate physical touch. Touch is powerful because it signals you have confidence, and it can physically cause her body to release chemicals that scientists believe make her feel attracted to you.

(I'm not making this up — you can study up on the special "touch" chemical oxytocin if you're interested — I'll try to avoid making a 'chemistry' pun 🧪😉)

The safest places to try touching her are her hand, shoulder, or elbow because they are relatively non-invasive.

Just pay attention for cues she does, or doesn't, appreciate being touched (for example, her facial expressions — does she look pleased or displeased you touched her?) and follow suit.

🗣️ Say you're interested. You can literally tell her, "I like you..." or try any of these options to ask her out:

  • "I think you're cute, and I'd love to see you again..."
  • "You have great energy, and I'd have fun grabbing a coffee sometime..."
  • "You have a beautiful smile, and I'd love to take you to drinks sometime..."

It's hugely advantageous to show a girl you like her when you first meet her!

  • 🤗 You avoid beating around the bush, as well as the pressure that builds up when you hide your feelings.
  • 🥰 She sees that you're not afraid to ask for what you want, which is hot.

To make that last point clearer, being direct with women about your feelings can help you avoid the friend zone because the act of asking for what you want demonstrates confidence, which is a major turn-on for girls 🥰

(Also, here are more tips on how to tell a girl you like her!)

Wrap up & next steps

OK, what'd we learn today?

  1. Women put you in the friend zone for three reasons. They don't think you're a catch, they don't feel romantic chemistry, or they experienced an "ick" 🤢
  2. It's hard to get out of the friend zone. If you want to escape the friend zone, you have to stop trying with her, invest in yourself, and be patient ⏳
  3. It's much easier to avoid the friend zone before you go in. Effective ways to avoid the friend zone are to be more selfish (in a good way!) and try expressing romantic interest in women before they put you in the friend zone box 🗃️

I hope this was helpful! If you're ready to take the next step in your dating life, here are three more ideas 👇

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