What Is A Pick Me Boy, And Are You One?

Last updated
February 3, 2024
minutes to read
What Is A Pick Me Boy, And Are You One?

Heard the term “pick me boy” and curious what it means?

Or, wondering if you’re a pick me boy yourself?

I have answers for you!

Let's dive in 🪂


1. What Is A Pick Me Boy?

A man in a jean shirt with a pleading look on his face

A "pick me" can be either male or female, but their approaches are slightly different.

A "pick me girl" will do anything for male attention, but a “pick me boy” is a guy who uses self-deprecation to seek approval from women.

A pick me boy calls out his perceived weaknesses or differences, with the goal of obtaining emotional stroking from women he likes 😙

For example, a pick me boy might say something to a woman like:

"I don’t date much because women don’t find me handsome…"

Hoping that the woman would respond:

"I think you’re handsome, let’s date!!"

Here’s a YouTube video that illustrates dozens of classic pick me boy lines and behaviors in case you want more examples.

Anyway, pick me boy behavior doesn’t always manifest through self-deprecation.

Pick me boys may also try to get attention by drawing comparisons that put other men down.

For example:

"That guy is a player who screws women over. I’m not a player, which is why I don’t get as many dates…"

Here are key elements that comprise a pick me boy’s personality and life outlook:

  • Self pity (“most women don’t like me…”) 😮‍💨
  • Approval-seeking (“do you think I’m needy?”) 😙
  • Jealousy or resentment (“I don’t get why women like assholes like him!”) 😒
  • Special snowflake syndrome (“I’m not like those other guys…”) 😌

Wondering how to tell if you’re a pick me boy?

Here’s a quick test. You’re a pick me boy if:

  1. You believe your best qualities hold you back romantically ⛓️
  2. You seek validation from women, particularly for traits you’re self-conscious about 🥺
  3. You feel jealous or resentful of confident men who attract women you’re interested in 😒
  4. You feel self-righteousness about what makes you different from other people 😇

Before we go any further, one key callout:

Being a pick me boy isn’t inherently a bad thing.

Many great guys are pick me boys, and I don't mean this as an insult!

Often pick me boy behaviors come from a genuinely good place emotionally 🙂

Being a pick me boy just means that you market yourself in a specific way that women often perceive negatively in romantic contexts (as we’ll discuss below).


2. Why Is Being A Pick Me Boy Unattractive?

Man in an orange sweatshirt with his hands folded in front of him, looking pleading

Candidly, most women don’t find pick me boy behaviors attractive 😬

Don’t just take my word for it, watch this TikTok model's reaction to pick me boys if you don’t believe me.

Why are pick me boy behaviors a turn-off?

There are several reasons...

First, pick me boys are self-centered.

Pick me behavior fixates on their personal dating woes, and constantly call attention to what makes them different - but this can come off as guilt tripping, or emotional manipulation.

This means they focus a lot of energy on themselves 😅

This self-centeredness can be unattractive in itself. But more important, it typically comes at the steep cost of failing to create strong and authentic connections with women.

Think about it 🤔

If you’re spending time with a woman, and your mind gravitates toward yourself or other men...

These thoughts come at the expense of enjoying a present moment with your date 😦

Second, pick me boys tend to be needy.

The psychology underlying pick me boy behaviors boils down to:

"I’m different, will you like me please?"

Any time a man seeks validation from a woman this way, he’s indirectly signaling that he craves her approval.

This means:

  • He’s inappropriately invested in the woman's opinion of him 🙄
  • He’s more focused on protecting himself (by means of obtaining her approval) than creating an authentic connection with her 👎

These are textbook needy behaviors, and nothing turns women off like neediness.

Third, pick me boy behaviors are a poor way to differentiate yourself.

If you genuinely believe you’re different from other men, and you have good qualities that women overlook...

There are better and worse ways of marketing this:

  • Pick me boys tend to market themselves poorly by “telling” rather than “showing.” What I mean is that pick me boys talk about what makes them different, often in an annoyingly self-righteous way that puts other men down, and this turns women off 🤢
  • Men who are more secure market themselves better by just being themselves. They don’t call attention to their flaws (because they aren’t worried about them) nor do they feel the need to vocalize how they are different from other men (because their actions speak for them) 💪

In general, it’s better to "show" (not "tell") a woman that you're an awesome partner, and this is where pick me boys tend to stumble.

3. How To Stop Being A Pick Me Boy

A man touching his temples, looking like he's relaxing from stress

Want to stop being a pick me boy?

Here are three strategies that can help.

3A. Focus less on what other guys are doing

As we discussed previously:

  • Pick me boys tend to fixate on comparisons with other men 👀
  • This is bad because it draws attention away from you, and the woman you're with 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

The fastest way to stop drawing comparisons is to think less about other men.

Here are some strategies to help:

  • Remember that dating isn’t a zero-sum game. Women are attracted to many different appearances and personality types, and one man’s success dating doesn’t detract from your own 👬
  • Accept that there are plenty of fish in the sea. Even if you’ve suffered unrequited love at the hands of other men in the past, there are literally millions more women out there for you to authentically attract once you’re in the right mindset 🎣
  • Internalize how comparison is the thief of joy. If thinking about what other men are doing brings you down emotionally, it’s in your best interest to stop doing it. Positivity is hot 🥵

3B. Appreciate and showcase your best qualities

Pick me boys usually have tragic, “nice guys finish last” attitudes toward the personality traits they inwardly admire about themselves.

For example:

  • Pick me boys imagine that their compassion and vulnerability are liabilities rather than assets in a romantic context 😑
  • This attitude holds pick me boys back with women because it creates a vicious cycle of negative self-talk and behavior 🤕

To stop doing this, simply flip the script.

Literally practice embracing the personal qualities you fear hold you back:

  • Write out a list of traits you like about yourself, particularly ones you suspect women don’t appreciate adequately 😌
  • Lean into these traits more, for example if you’re “nice,” you could lean into this by volunteering at a meal kitchen for the homeless ❤️
  • Convince yourself that these are good traits for your dating life. Think about it: do you really want to attract women who don’t appreciate the qualities you value in yourself?! 😉

3C. Ask directly for what you want

Pick me boys tend to beat around the bush:

  • They hide their true desires for romantic connections behind self-deprecating behaviors 😶‍🌫️
  • This means quality partners either (A) don't know they're interested, or (B) think they lack confidence 😬

The easiest solve here is to stop hiding, and surface your desires out in the open.

For example:

  • If you wear an outfit you love, talk about why you love the outfit, instead of hoping she compliments you on it organically (or fishing for a compliment 🎣)
  • If you want to escalate your relationship with a woman you’re friends with, tell her you like her, and want to be more than friends 💑

I'm aware this is easier said than done.

If you're having trouble, check out my free guide on how to tell a girl you like her.

Just remember, hoping she will organically realize that you’re an awesome partner is a recipe for disaster 👨‍🍳


Women like men who aren’t afraid to ask for what they want!

Wrap up & next steps

Let’s recap quickly. Today we covered:

  1. What a "pick me boy" is. A pick me boy uses self-deprecation and comparison in hopes of obtaining approval from women 😅
  2. Why women don't like pick me boy behaviors. Pick me boy behaviors are unattractive because they’re self-centered, needy, and negative 😬
  3. How to stop being a pick em boy. You can stop being a pick me boy by focusing less on what other guys are doing, appreciating yourself more, and asking directly for what you want 😃

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