How to stop being "too nice"

Photo of Blaine in a black jumpsuit, smiling

“You're nice, BUT…”

If a woman's ever told you, "You're nice, but..." it's natural to wonder:

What’s wrong with her?!

  • 🤔 Why is being “nice” such a deal-breaker?
  • 🤨 Do women LIKE assholes?

I'm Blaine, I'm a dating coach for men, and you're about to learn how to:

  • ❌ Stop getting friend-zoned, and...
  • ✅ Start attracting women you like!

Today, we'll cover:

  1. Why women seemingly don’t like “nice” guys
  2. What makes “he’s SO nice… 😍” guys different from “he’s nice BUT… 😬” guys
  3. Steps “nice guys” can take immediately to improve their love lives while staying true to themselves

Let’s dive in!

Part 1/3: Where Nice Guys Fall Short

“Nice” is a weird adjective!

  • On one hand, it’s associated with indisputably positive qualities like pleasant, good-natured, and kind 😊
  • On the other hand, in the context of dating, it usually communicates pity more than admiration 😬

This duality is obviously frustrating to “nice guys,” the shoulders women cry on while complaining about the assholes they actually date

The "nice guys finish last" perception has been amplified by the "simp" craze sweeping the Gen Z internet.

(If you’re my age and didn't grow up using the term, this simp overview from CNN is surprisingly good!

  • So, are nice guys “simps” who are doomed to eternally occupy the friend-zone? 🤔
  • And do attractive women solely seek assholes, no matter how much they claim they want “nice” guys? 🤔

Neither! These oversimplifications miss crucial underlying relationship dynamics.


  1. Women are attracted to men whose behaviors signal they care for THEMSELVES 😃
  2. “Nice guys” behave in ways that signal they don’t always care for themselves 😞

To unpack what this means, let’s step back for a second. While dating and romance can seem like rapidly evolving processes:

  • “Muscular is out! Dad-bod is in!”
  • “Dating has moved online!”
  • “Virtual dates are the new first dates!”

… The underlying relationship and attraction psychology has been startlingly stagnant throughout time and space.

Animation of a caveman holding a spear, giving a thumbs up

For example, you’re probably attracted to many of the same characteristics in women today as your caveman ancestors were millennia ago:

  • Clear skin, shiny hair, symmetric facial features, and a full set of teeth 🦷
  • Long legs, thin waist, wider hips & chest 📐
  • Kindness, reliability, and resourcefulness 😃

(This makes sense: the systems in our brains that govern attraction evolved millions of years ago 🐒)

Likewise, women today are attracted to similar traits as their great100 grandmothers were many millennia ago.


Women are attracted to behaviors that signal the ability to survive and provide.

Ask yourself, in the struggle-to-survive caveman context our brains developed in, which behaviors best signal a man’s ability to survive and provide?

  1. Saying the polite thing, sharing food & resources with anyone who asks, following others’ leads (i.e. nice-guy behaviors)? 👍
  2. Saying what's on your mind, feeding yourself first, taking the lead (i.e. self-interested behaviors)? 👊

You probably didn’t have to think hard about the answer...

Sponge Bob and Patrick illustrated as cavemen

The self-interested behaviors have clear advantages in the caveman context.


  • 🥴 No matter how anti-social certain self-interested behaviors like machismo or greed are in the modern home, school, or workplace (i.e. the environments most of us learned to socialize in...
  • 🤭 Certain self-interested behaviors (specifically, prioritizing your own interests above the interests of others) have a timeless sexiness to them…
  • 😬 And “nice guys,” who tend to prioritize others’ interests before their own, tend to miss the mark here!

Part 2/3: "Nice, and... 😍" versus "Nice, but… 😬" guys

Before you conclude you have to be a selfish asshole to attract women, please don’t!

🙅‍♀️ Women don’t like selfish assholes.

But if you’re always going out of your way to cater to her needs (particularly at the expense of your own needs...) you’re the modern equivalent of the caveman who returns from the hunt empty-handed because he gave away his catch 😬

Women are attracted to guys who prioritize their own needs:

  • Guys who aren’t afraid to say what they want ☑️
  • Guys who aren’t always available ☑️
  • Guys who prioritize themselves ☑️

I've heard this me-first attitude described as "benevolent selfishness," and that's a great term for it.

Anyway, let’s illustrate the concept by looking at the stories of two contrasting men, (1) Nice-Guy Nate, and (2) Self-Interested Sam.

Nice-Guy Nate spends all his time & energy trying to please women.

  • When Nice-Guy Nate is texting with a woman, he stops everything he’s doing, and anxiously stares at his phone waiting for her response 😰
  • If the woman agrees to a date, Nice-Guy Nate will drop whatever he’s doing to make plans with her 🤩
  • Nice-Guy Nate spends lavishly on dates (and gifts afterwards) to signal his interest and investment 🤑
  • If a woman Nice-Guy Nate is dating says something he disagrees with, he discards his own opinion to conform to hers 😶
Animation of the rapper Jay Z making a grimacing face, while turning away, and exiting through a door

These sycophantic behaviors may be subconscious —Nice Nate is only loosely aware of how dramatically he modifies his natural behaviors to please women — but it doesn't matter.

Women notice, and quickly lose respect for (as well as romantic interest in!) Nice-Guy Nate 😬

Self-Interested Sam, on the other hand, expends little effort attracting women.

  • Sam never interrupts his workday for dating app notifications 🤷‍♂️
  • When Sam hangs out with his friends at the park or the bar, he sometimes ignores women, because he’s focused on having fun with his friends 😎
  • Sam always goes to the same first date spot, a dive bar, because he likes it, and wouldn't want to date a woman who doesn't like it 🍺
  • When Self-Interested Sam goes on dates, he chooses places he likes, and says exactly what’s on his mind 🗣️
Animation of a professor giving the "OK" sign with his fingers

Many women are attracted to Self-Interested Sam.

They like his sense of humor, and how he’s unafraid to tease them, or end a conversation when he’s had enough.

See the difference?

  • ❌ Nice-Guy Nate instinctively puts women’s interests before his own
  • ✔️ Self-Interested Sam instinctively puts his own interests first
  • This difference is precisely why women avoid Nate, and pursue Sam 💡

One more thought here...

Both Nate and Sam are both “nice” based on the dictionary definition of the word.

They’re both pleasant, good-natured, and kind guys.

How they prioritize themselves is the only difference between them.

And yet this is what makes Nate "nice, but… 😬" and Sam "nice, and 😍" to the women they meet.

What does this mean for you?

  • You don’t need to stop being pleasant, good-natured, or kind to attract women. These qualities are attractive.
  • If you’re so good-natured you lack sense of self, women lose interest!

Part 3/3: How Nice Guys Can Improve Overnight

Ready to transition from “he’s nice, but… 😬” to “he’s nice, and... 😍“ while staying true to yourself?

I want you to try 2 things:

💆‍♂️ First, I want you to do something selfish everyday.

This doesn’t mean I want you to be an asshole! It just means I want you to take a little time every day to do something that’s 100% for your personal enjoyment 😃

Animation of two men patting themselves on their backs

Ideally your selfish activity is something that helps you reach a personal goal (e.g. spend an uninterrupted hour working out, so you’re in shape for your buddy’s wedding that got rescheduled for summer 2021).

But your selfish activity doesn’t have to be goal-oriented.

You could literally eat an ice cream sandwich while watching Netflix for 30 minutes on your couch if it will give you guilt-free joy you're depriving yourself of today 🍦

All I care about is that you’re deliberately doing something 100% for you, because (believe it or not) getting into this practice will help your dating life!

📣 Second, the next time you're our with a woman, I want you to say something she can disagree with.

For example:

  • 🥂 If she says she loves white wine, and you can’t stand white wine, say it!
  • 🏃 If she says she hates running, and you love to run, tell her!
  • 🔮 If she says she doesn’t believe in astrology, and you do, mention it!

If disagreeing seems counterintuitive (“what if this makes her dislike me?!”) it’s even more important that you do it.

Animation of Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones looking disgusted, leaning away from the image frame

Your emotional investment in your date's opinion is precisely what’s causing you problems romantically!

Before you practice disagreeing with your date, remember that there’s a world of difference between:

  • ✅ Having a fun, thoughtful, and respectful conversation about something you share a difference of opinion over, and...
  • ❌ Creating an argument or otherwise treating someone else’s opinion with disrespect

Remember that you’re practicing the former, not the latter!

Pickup artists sometimes tell men to "neg" or put women down to show that they're not "too nice."

This is dumb, and counter-productive. Don’t fall for this b.s. 💩

Recap & Next Steps

Photo of Blaine in a blue jacket, seated on a light colored couch, smiling.

OK, what did we learn today?

  1. Prioritize yourself. Women are attracted to guys who aren't afraid to take care of their own needs.
  2. Prioritizing yourself ≠ ignoring others. You can still be kind to women, your friends, and anyone else.
  3. Practice benevolent selfishness, and speaking your mind with women, and you'll be surprised how quickly your dating life improves.

💡 Ready to shake your nice-guy mindset for good?

Let's chat about how I can help! Just fill out the form below, and I'll share a personalized plan within 24 hours.

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.